“Welcome To Your Life — There’s No Turning Back”
When I thought I could never be lower than what I had experienced during my mid to late teens, the past year said, “Oh? Hold my drink — let me show you…”
22:53.
I never thought I’d be able to actually publish this entry before midnight because I’ve deleted and restarted this entry at least 5 times today.
[Sidenote: Actually, I can’t confirm it’ll be published before 01/06 because there’s still a whole hour left. Let’s see if I can get one fucking goal I commit to, done. For fucking once in my life…]
[Sidenote — again: I am buzzing off a beer (yes, just one. Clearly, I am not as young and tolerant as I once was — you know, with turning 30 and all this year *wink*). Because of this, I am going to keep this entry short]
Anyway, I digress… what did I want to say with this entry again? Oh yeah!
The past 4–5ish months have felt like the most challenging time in my life, honestly. I have never been so down, this badly. Self-confidence is absolutely crushed. My self-pity parties happen at least 2 times per day. My default operating function seems to be set to a perpetual state of fear and scarcity. My “conversations” with the “voices in my head” are getting more frequent and interactive — even flirting with the concept of possibly not being here, on Earth, anymore. I'm feeling completely lost, reckless and basically useless — even though no one (besides myself), makes me feel that way.
Of course, my daughters, partner, parents, siblings and close friends are the reason why I won’t do anything stupid…. hence, I am still here. If they weren't…? I would've checked out looonnnggg time ago! But luckily, my partner jolted me out of the morbid semi-life, I have been “living” these past few months, with one question:
“Babe. Apart from us, what’s been making you happy lately? Like… what are your new interests? Are you finding a new hobby? New television series? Or even a new potential business industry or opportunity?”
I simply responded, “besides you, the girls, siblings and ‘rents…? Nothing babe, to be quite honest…”
In hindsight, I didn't even take at least 2 minutes to actually think it through because there are plenty of reasons to be happy but I went for the most negative perspective(s), without hesitation. What a truly sad response… but a teachable moment, nonetheless.
Looking around now (at 23:21) there’s so much in my life to be happy about, man.
- In a few minutes, I will have the opportunity to experience yet another New Day — carrying another chance for me to make the most of this gift of Life
- I can hear my girls snoring away so peacefully in our/their home, filling me up with excitement to tick off my long-term goals, working for and with them, to experience richer lives in future
- I’m recognising that I have come a long way and have grown exponentially during then too — I am definitely not the same person I was, since moving out 5 years ago. My partner and I have actually built a happy, decent and fulfilling home, together — starting from a bed, crockery and cutlery
- My family loves me dearly, there’s no doubt about that. Knowing this, it’s easier to look forward to continuing living for them, taking it day by day, because this Life thing is quite long
- Ironically, I've been exposed to many new experiences/hobbies/interests over the past 6 months — I literally have to just pick one and enjoy it in all its pureness.
All boils down to choice, really. From that choice, I need to commit. And from that commitment, there should be some new results in my outlook on life. I really want a different outcome. I really do.
As we start the 2nd half of the year, I wish to live a completely different by December. I really do.
However, for fucking once… I will walk before I run. Welcome to my (2.0)…there’s REALLY no turning back…
23:42
Okay. Off to bed now.
